alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
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