I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
