i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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