Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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