Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
