I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
