I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
