I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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