the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
