I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my being single is dangerous.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
