My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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