i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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