if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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