Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
