First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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