but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
