I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
