Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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