I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
