There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
