We won't sleep together?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
