Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
