Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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