I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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