Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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