Kiss
Puke
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
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