I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
