I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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