I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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