i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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