Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so explain again why im purple
no
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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