We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
