the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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