should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
