hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
