I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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