dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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