I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I look better un-naked...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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