I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
