I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
