Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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