i don't like sucking hair
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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