i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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