Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
