there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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