FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
