fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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