Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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