Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
