at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
