Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
