i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
