my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
